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[sticky post] the obligatory "I don't suck" post  
Aug. 9th, 2012
 
 
James Samuel
There's something somewhat sad about the fact that I feel I need to make this, but there it is. It's gonna be a sticky post, and I'll add to it as I go. Hopefully.

1) Got up the figurative balls to quit my job when the conditions became unhealthy, even though my family were all telling me I should suck it up because I need the money.
2) Figured out my first steps toward going into Forensic Anthropology (likely a double major of Forensics and Anthropology, but that comes later). Changed my mind shortly thereafter; hoping to double-major in Psych and Bio or Chem, minor in Forensics (non-negotiable). Forensics is not a major; it is a minor. (So technically more steps figured out anyway.) Changed my mind again because I suck at Chemistry. Going with my fallback (which was only a fallback because it's an uncertain path) which is working with animals. Figured that out too.
3) Got a job as a groomer at PetCo~♥
4) Stopped going to the therapist that told me I had to buzz my hair and get rid of my jewelery to be a guy.
5) Found a decent one to replace her.
6) Mostly averted world War III (between my mother, my father, my sister, and my aunt)... or at least managed to be Switzerland.
7) Learning to draw different kinds of animals.
8) Figured out my 'sonas and a few other furry characters.
9) Improving my sculpting.
right now I'm disappointeddisappointed
background noise: Gotta Be Somebody - Nickelback
 
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grounding exercises  
Feb. 8th, 2015
 
 
James Samuel
So things like these are more effective for me than the ones that tell you to visualise yourself as a plant with roots or whatever. These are less about grounding your personality and more about grounding your mind to reality and what’s going on around you. Bonus, the first one is directed at people with borderline personality disorder.

http://bpd.about.com/od/livingwithbpd/a/grounding.htm

http://www.livingwell.org.au/well-being/grounding-exercises/

x-post from tumblr
 
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So I have Borderline Personality Disorder.  
Jan. 22nd, 2015
 
 
James Samuel
What I do not have is an official diagnosis. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I've been looking for something that fits my symptoms for AGES. Recently I found out that what I've been calling "emotional detachment" or "backseat driving in my own head" has a name in psychiatry. (I probably ran across it in my psychology classes at some point and didn't understand it fully.) It's called dissociation.

So I started googling personality disorders with that as a symptom. I figured I was looking for a PD, because I had basically ruled out everything else that made sense. Depression and bipolar disorder didn't fit all my symptoms and most of the rest didn't even make sense.

Ran across BPD, also referred to as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Symptoms include dissociation, inability to control your emotions, feeling like your emotions are in control of you, and as a result of the lack of control, your social interactions would suffer. Impulsivity is a big issue with people with BPD, as is something they call "splitting": basically I experience it as only seeing one side of a person at a time. I'll look at one person in particular-- who shall remain nameless-- and I'll either go "I love them and they're awesome" or I'll go "omg you've done this bad thing you're fucking evil" and I know they're not flawless, I know they're not evil, but I can't see both sides at once. It explains my anger issues, my embarrassing inability to control my reactions when I'm upset or excited or angry, my inability to decide how I feel about myself or what I want to do with my life, my anxiety issues, my occasional depressive states, my absolute terror at the thought of being alone, my pervasive boredom if I don't have something really involved to do, and my urges to self harm (though I've gotten better at managing those).

So I go see my therapist, armed with this information, and basically what happens is once she realises I won't be offended she says "yeah, I have that down as a possibility in your notes from a long time ago."

Unfortunately the insurance won't cover the diagnosis, so I don't have an official diagnosis, so much as a "yeah probably i'm pretty sure this is what you have." I'll have to figure that part out the next time I talk to my therapist, because I was already late getting out of there when she told me that.

But the immediately important part is that I have an explanation and a jumping off point for treatment
.

Update: so I totally misunderstood what my therapist meant when we agreed it was an unofficial diagnosis. It is definitely what I have. We just can't tell insurance that because they will then stop covering my therapy. Because personality disorders are not caused by brain chemistry, insurance apparently thinks it's less valid and stop covering treatment. Even though therapy is literally the only effective treatment for a personality disorder. They know it'll take a while to work through and they don't wanna cover that much. Dickbags.
 
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(no subject)  
Nov. 20th, 2014
 
 
James Samuel
I feel like Tumblr has made me more paranoid about interpersonal interactions. (Newsflash: I have social anxiety. I don't need more.)

But here: I recently asked our ST (GM or DM) if it was cool that I used this one-armed character. He lost his arm, it's a thing, but he's a person (satyr) first, disabled second (or sometime after that, whenever it comes up). But I still got weird about it because I'm scared of stepping on proverbial toes.

The other thing is, half the time, I feel guilty for finding non-white people attractive-- and hear me out on this one, I promise I'm not a racist-- because according to Tumblr, if you appreciate an ethnic group aesthetically, you must be fetishising them. I know I'm not. But I still get that twinge of "oh gods I'm doing it wrong."

This is half of what's wrong with tumblr: the crazy social justice bloggers who actually ARE oversensitive.
right now I'm cynicalcynical
background noise: Assassin's Creed II menu on my TV
 
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Yet another entry cross-posted to FA.  
Jun. 13th, 2013
 
 
James Samuel
I AM GOING TO MY FIRST DRAG SHOW WITH A FRIEND TOMORROW NIGHT

BUT NOT JUST ANY DRAG SHOW

SHARON NEEDLES HAS COME TO THE CAPITAL CITY OF MY TINY LITTLE STATE

THAT'S RIGHT

THE WINNER OF LAST YEAR'S RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE

AND WE GOT VIP TICKETS SO WE CAN MEET HER

THE ONLY WAY THIS COULD BE BETTER WOULD BE IF RAVEN WERE THERE TOO

I FUCKING LOVE THEM

CAPSLOCK CANNOT FULLY EXPRESS MY FANBOYISH JOY
 
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Cross-posted on FA because I don't think anybody reads this anymore...  
Jun. 4th, 2013
 
 
James Samuel
You guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuys

Problems keep happening with my application to PetCooooooooo D:

First, it was a problem with the age of my first application. Re-submitted, problem solved.

Then it was an e-mail that I didn't get. It was re-sent, problem solved.

Then the e-mail I sent back didn't get to the right place. Gave the store a physical copy. Problem solved (I think).

Now, I was just asked to edit some stuff on the application, and when I logged on to do so, it told me I withdrew it (which I didn't) and it's no longer under consideration (which it should be) and I can't edit it D:

This is really bumming me out, guys. I was supposed to start working a week ago. And I'm getting really depressed. (I'm on a new anti-depressant, this is not helping. I can't tell if it's not working or if this is just fucking me up.)

I wanna start grooming puppies T_T


EDIT: Well, I've just found out that I'm not gonna get any answers for six fucking days. I was supposed to start a week ago, and I was really excited for this, but now I can't start for at least another week? This fucking sucks. So much for a great opportunity dropping itself into my lap. I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to get a job.
reporting from my couch.
right now I'm frustratedfrustrated
background noise: NatGeo Wild's on TV (The Science of Cats, specifically).
 
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I GOT THE JOB  
May. 24th, 2013
 
 
James Samuel
I now work at PetCo. As a groomer. Doing exactly what I want to do. That is all.
right now I'm *flail*
 
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GUESS WHAT GUYS  
May. 17th, 2013
 
 
James Samuel
INTERVIEW AT PETCO ON TUESDAY
right now I'm ecstaticecstatic
stats: animals, job?, petco
 
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UPDATE  
May. 14th, 2013
 
 
James Samuel
Had to reapply at PetCo, because the old application was months older than I thought it was. However, the groomer I talked to made it sound like the head groomer, who does the hiring for the grooming department, was really impressed with my enthusiasm. I called back in today to see if the application went through, and while it hadn't yet, the head groomer was talking like this was already a done deal.

I am so absurdly excited.
right now I'm excitedexcited
 
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I'm a little bit scared to post this so I don't jinx myself, but it's already everywhere else, so.  
May. 11th, 2013
 
 
James Samuel
So, I might be getting a job at PetCo as a groomer. And the head groomer I talked to said she'd call me back within a week (on Wednesday). I'm gonna stop in Monday and be persistent and excited. (And ask if there's something they'd recommend for short-haired cats, because my cat's got ear gunk and slobber all over her half the time.)

I also applied at the Potter League (an animal rescue place a town over from me), and they're currently hiring, and it's a really nice place. I was surprised.

Brb, impatiently squeeing~
reporting from my couch.
right now I'm trying desperately not to get my hopes up
background noise: none at the moment.
stats: animals, job?
 
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My other hobbies...  
  my DeviantArt account (seldom updated)
my FanFiction.net account (indefinite hiatus)
DRAGONS!
 
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